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Everything will change...

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Last night I couldn't sleep because I was giddy in love with Eric. I was staring at his face in the not-really-dark of our bedroom, illuminated by the moon and street lamps, thinking wistful adoring things. I thought about what a stroke of luck it is to be in love with one's best friend, to have all those experiences in the same person, and to get to sleep beside the person who makes me laugh like no one I've ever known before.

Tonight I can't sleep because he's mad at me, and it's the cold, thick kind of mad which doesn't even lash out in anger... it's that quiet seething which simply sits heavy on the chest and resides.

I do understand the ability to push one another's buttons. The same way he can so uniquely understand me to wake me up for thunderstorms, he knows how to cut to the core and hurt me more deeply than I know how to handle. And just as I pride myself for being able to bring sappy grins to his face at totally inappropriate times, I know that I can drive him absolutely crazy and frustrate him beyond human endurance. I haven't been kind to him lately, at all.

Love is a really strange thing. It gives the capacity for cruelty we wouldn't imagine among our worst enemies, and while providing some of our highest and most amazing moments, also feeds the times we most regret.

So I guess I'll just stew in it and work toward getting things back toward the other side. Still it's always with this constant fear that this time will be the one where I've pushed the pendulum too far and it stops its razor trajectory over the pit. Maybe it'll catch on the curtains or swing off its mount entirely.

Maybe he'll let me hold him in his sleep.

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This page contains a single entry by Vicki published on September 2, 2007 5:35 AM.

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