Yesterday I woke from what I'm pretty sure was a dreamless sleep, thinking about Eugene Andolsek, an artist whose work I saw in that phenomenal Obsessive Drawing show at the American Folk Art Museum back in 2005.
Eugene Andolsek was that classic "outsider artist" who made obsessive ink compositions on graph paper every night as a means to cope with his anxiety. He hated his job as a stenographer for the railroad, but he was constantly terrified that he would lose it. Drawing was not an art form for him - in fact he didn't even consider his work art - it was just somehing he needed to do to survive. (This is, I'm sure, part of why it resonates so strongly with people, but that is a digression for another day.)
I remember feeling a lot of comisery when I first saw his work and read his bio, as I understand all too well how easy it is to fixate on one source of worry and allow it to occupy your entire experience. What Eugene Andolsek didn't realize (I think) is that losing his job wouldn't have been the end of the world. In fact, it might have been an incredible opportunity for him... but he focused all his energy on keeping his job, and so that's all he did in life. I don't really want to do the same with mine.
So I am stressed about this class. I'm sleeping terribly (and infrequently) and fretting every waking hour about my final on Monday. I'm all upset with myself because I know I should have tried harder, worked more, gotten my act together somehow, and done better with this class. I don't know if I'm going to pass it or not, and I guess the worst case scenario is that I fail, have to retake it in the fall, and am out six weeks and a little more $5000 for a tediously overwrought life lesson learned. But... they can't take away my birthday. They don't get to come to my house and yell at me. No one gets to punish me any more than I punish myself, and there certainly won't be scary clowns involved.
With that in mind, and knowing I wasn't going to be productive anyway, I decided to go to the Red Bank fireworks with my family last night, to drink overly sweet coconut rum (I kept calling my mom a sorority girl and by the end had my father asking for "another sorority drink please" instead of a rum and pineapple), and to chill the eff out and relax a little. I watched the sunset on the Navesink, I had fun conversation, I took tons of photos, and I watched a whole lot of fireworks.
It should have occurred to me earlier that watching things explode would have been tremendously cathartic.
I have a Flickr set of Fireworks photos, which I'd encourage you to check out. Not because I think fireworks photos are inherently interesting, but because frankly, I think I took some seriously bitchin' ones that look like space explosions.
And if you would like the ooh and aah experience, here, have a slideshow!
I felt so much more relaxed about life, just being on the water (even if it was in our slip), thinking about anything except chemistry.
I love that river with all my heart.
(You can see non-fireworks photos in an Independence Day set, also on Flickr).
In other news, I bought a green bikini (no, there will not be photos), my cat is the most wonderful, soft, squishy, Smokey-panted creature alive, our boat slip comes with membership to an outdoor pool we didn't know about, and... I have a lot of sobering up and work to do.
Happy Independence Day!!! Drink beer and blow things up for me!
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