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About that reticence

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Ironically (or perhaps not), when I have a lot on my mind, I am less inclined to blog. I think my method of dealing with things is to kind of close myself up in them and dwell. Or completely distract myself and try to avoid any substantive thought. Not implying much of that goes on around here, but yknow, in case it did.

It's not anything huge or overly dramatic, mostly money, school, future stuff. Also a much-loved family member (the personal in the second half of this post) just went through a fourth bout with cancer, but his surgery went well and I think he'll be okay. (I called him in the hospital this time, in case you read that post, and he seemed happy about that.)

By comparison, the other stress I feel is not so important. Next week I'm helping with asymposium on science & art, which is going to be way cool and I'm really excited... but I'm nervous as hell. I'm not at all worried about my responsibilities or the tasks I have to do throughout the days - those are a piece of cake. My anxiety is solely to do with talking to people, standing around at coffee breaks and lunch, and generally having to be social and network.

I fear I will never end up with a real full-time job because I don't so much "network" as stammer incomprehensible things to my shoes, paste an enormous uncomfortable smile on my face and stare with maniacal deer-in-headlight eyes, or start telling some asinine story that lasts waaaaaay too long and goes nowhere, the conclusion of which positively perplexes the individuals to whom I was supposed to be talking about glass and somehow got on the topic of why asparagus makes your pee smell.

So yes, it will be a relief when that is over. I know that these are the people who I want to be my peers and colleagues, and it will probably go smoothly, but I do so much better at conferences full of strangers where I can just sit, take notes, absorb the presentation, and then go home and post on my blog about how cool it was. Then again, I've been asked to take photographs at the symposium, and my camera is my security blanket, so maybe I'll find some new, intelligent, confident side of myself instead of my spontaneous socially-induced speech impediments.

(Did you know I stutter? Neither did I, until you ask me what field of conservation I'd like to specialize in.)

On what could be a very exciting note (I am so afraid to jinx it), Eric and I are moving out of this apartment at the end of this lease in August, and we may be moving into a spectacularly wonderful place.

I don't want to say a lot about it because I'm afraid it's some magical dream from which I'll startle awake and realize that we actually moved deeper into Brooklyn, but I'm sort of giddy at the prospect of it. I really love this apartment itself, the 14 foot ceilings and 8 foot double windows with gorgeous light streaming in the afternoon.... but I don't think I will miss the homeless people yelling at me on the corner (I don't carry cash, ever!) or random shootings at the projects by our subway. Or the filthy streets and pollution and the fact that I would never, ever want to raise children here.

When I was coming back from New Jersey over Easter, I could feel my dread becoming progressively worse as I got closer to my apartment, and it really crystallized the fact that while this is where I live, it is not my home.

Since one cannot transplant a much loved apartment into an entirely different city, we will have to sacrifice that which I adore about this space for one infinitely more suited to our personalities and lifestyles. One that makes me drool when I think of the possibilities. At risk of hyperbole, I think it will be the best thing that's ever happened to us.

So that is just a glimpse. I have a whole lot of photos of food that I want to post, and since I can't think of a terribly clever way of organizing them into some narrative, perhaps let's just write me a pass if the next entry consists of little more than chomp, monch, drool and various onomatopoeias of deliciosity.

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This page contains a single entry by Vicki published on March 28, 2008 3:31 AM.

Oh hello again was the previous entry in this blog.

Seeding is the next entry in this blog.

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