The sound of losing it

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I have a very important meeting tomorrow (or well, later today), and I am a nervous wreck about it.

Part of what's making it awful is that as I was reviewing the third of several obsessive checklists I made in preparation, I discovered several hours' worth of things that haven't been done. And even if I am able to do them in the morning, there is no telling if they'll be finished in time.

I have to bring a bunch of heavy and delicate stuff on the subway with nice long walks before and after, and I am absolutely panicking that it will snow or rain or be so windy that I drop everything and ruin months of work.

I still haven't figured out how I'm going to protect everything or carry it all when it's just me. I keep thinking that if I lived somewhere sensible and sane, I would just shove it all in my car with nary a second thought, but no, I live in a hellhole of inconvenience and public transit.

I keep hyperventilating and fretting about tiny little things, like what if I forget to wear underwear (they wouldn't know), or I say something incredibly stupid (I already have many times), or I have to redo all the work I've done (I probably will).

I have to get up before 5 to be on a train no later than 6:24 if I have even the faintest chance of getting it all done. I'm really really not good at mornings. I am so anxious about everything that I know I'm just going to lay in bed having small and regular heart attacks for the next... 4 hours. Jesus.

Tomorrow night is going to feel so good. Even if I make a disaster of everything, I'll be done with it. But that's still not more comforting.

Panic panic panic panic panic...

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This page contains a single entry by Vicki published on January 15, 2009 1:04 AM.

An enduring love for Schroeder was the previous entry in this blog.

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