Choosing

I think that apart from a few big, irreversible life decisions (whether or not to marry, and to whom, whether or not to have children, how many, etc.), it's hard to see yourself in the process of choosing who you are going to become. We rarely have the distance or perspective to be able to wrap our heads around what the implications of seemingly small day-to-day decisions add up to be, nor to grasp what it really means to be a person who buys organic produce or supports the arts.

Periodically, I find myself at crossroads where I am keenly aware that I am making a decision that will probably impact the rest of my life. I get into a slow motion she-moves-like-they-do kind of detachment and really think hard about who I want to be, what my life will look like if I go for A, B, or the as yet great unknown. A friend of mine is going through the same type of thing right now, and she and I spent a good deal of time sketching out what we imagine our lives could be in the next few years.

Life being what it is, any time I've found myself at similar crossroads, I never could have imagined what was coming down the path at me, or the drastic difference between what I planned for and what I lived. There are so many variables of chance, circumstances, the fickle nature of human emotions... you just never know who you are going to be, when, and what life will throw at you in that moment. (Am I full of cliched truisms today, or what??)

I've thought about the things I've never regretted, and it's a pretty small list:

- Traveling
- Buying books
- Going to concerts, the opera, plays, etc.
- Starting new paintings
- Falling in love

(The temptation to buy a new book, pack my sketching supplies, leave the country and fall in love during intermission for an opera is extraordinary.)

I guess the thing I have to keep reminding myself is that even if I choose one path over another, or I tell myself what I'm going to feel, I ultimately have no control over the universe outside of what I do in it. The fact that I could meet my soul mate on the train tomorrow morning is equally exhilarating and terrifying. The possibility that I've already met him and missed my chance weighs pretty heavy on my heart. Maybe I go to one school and become a pioneer in my field. Maybe I go to another and decide to give it up and work in industry developing cleaning products. Maybe I live in New York again and have all the experiences I've been meaning to. Maybe it's just like the last time, or worse.

All I can really choose is whether I'm open to these possibilities or not, and whether I make my choices from a place of fear and insecurity or hope and boldness. I guess for now, I choose the latter. Saying yes to everything, and letting the universe sort out who I become.