Sometimes I get in really awful funks, the likes of which cause me to lash out at people, neglect my health and housekeeping, lose interest in the things I’m supposed to care about, and become overall largely despondent, with a nice dose of anger for good measure.
I know that the events which set me off are insignificant in the grand scheme of things and that things like packages getting lost or stolen or having one’s 50-minute plane ride take closer to five hours shouldn’t ruin my day, but I am just completely and totally wiped out and can’t deal with these things lately.
I went to Toronto this weekend for the Virgin Music Festival, and I want to write all about that when I’m in a better mood because it was truly awesome beyond belief. Yesterday on the plane I was seated next to a girl who’d also been to the concert, and she and I surprised ourselves when we agreed that probably the best part was just being away from our lives at home. The idea of a getaway seemed so novel and bizarre, and we were both confused that we didn’t know how to do that better.
Coming home and the day I had yesterday kind of punctuated everything wrong with living in the city, and it ran screaming electric yellow highlighters over everything I’m really displeased with in my life at present. There are changes that I know I have to make, and while some of them are exciting, others I just flat-out dread. It seems the hardest thing is doing what you know in your heart is right.
I think that I’m supposed to be all pro-New York and in favor of humanity today, but at this particular moment, I can admit that yes, I am selfish enough that my personal dilemmas and problems eclipse my perspective on the rest of the world. I have no sense of objectivity when all I want to do is put my head under a pillow and cry. So I’m sure someone else will take up the slack and write something beautiful and thought-provoking in my stead.
As for me, I feel in a very similar way to how I did in 2001, hours before I heard what had happened: hopeless, frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, stressed, devastated, and like I want to crawl into my bed for days and escape the whole world. It seems I haven’t really progressed at all in six years.