A friend of mine was turning 30 this year (I guess now that should be “last year”), and he said he felt that being 29 was the occasion to resolve everything he didn’t want to bring into his thirties. It feels that way, at the end of a decade, or at the end of any year really, which is probably part of why most New Year’s celebrations are accompanied by pretty heavy depression for me.
I don’t like the idea of changing or making a fresh start because the calendar flips over, and it perhaps speaks to problematic cynicism that I see it more as another time to mess up. January feels like fresh snow or a white carpet that I know I’m going to trip and spill my tea onto, staining the whole year, and that’s just too much pressure.
Last year, I was full of resolutions and ideas for how to make my life better. Right now I barely even have the heart to read them because I hate feeling such consummate disappointment. I didn’t change much of anything last year – actually I made a lot of things much worse – but a lot of weird stuff happened, which I used as excuses. I don’t want to do that anymore.
I have all these huge goals now, and even making lists of the steps involved launches me into gigantic bouts of panic and despair (followed shortly by paralysis or stasis). On one hand, it’s good to know what I want, to have such a clear vision of it that I am physically pained at the thought of not having it, but on the other it is daunting as all hell. If it didn’t mean so much, it wouldn’t be so scary to risk failing.
I think the most useful resolution of any for me right now is to Be Honest. With myself, with coworkers and my boss, with my family and friends, with the person I keep telling myself I love… people deserve to know the truth. Corollary, I realize, or probably fundamental to this, is to Be Brave. Dishonesty (or in my case, reticence) is rooted in cowardice for me, and avoiding taking responsibility for myself, my actions and heart, is all to do with being afraid.
This isn’t going to become Vicki’s Self-Flagellation Blog, but it might not always be cheerful. That’s just the way my life is now.