Recently I fell head over heels in love with someone I just met. I've never felt such an instantaneous, complete, perfect connection with another person, so literally limitless and infinite with possibilities. When we held hands, I felt like I'd known him all my life, and the first time we kissed, I felt like I was struck by lightning.
It didn't work out, and it ended in such a spectacularly hurtful way that I feel like he pulled my heart out of my chest and squished it around in gravel with his shoe for a while. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, my heart was just constantly racing like I was having a 24-hour-a-day panic attack. I knew in my mind that I didn't want to be with someone who could treat me like that, but in my mushy little heart, I kept looking for some misunderstanding, some reason why what he said wasn't what he meant, that there was still some hope that he really was the love of my life.
Despite how cruelly and coldly he broke my heart, I miss him. I miss knowing he's out there, thinking of him fondly, knowing he was seeing my stupid photos and Facebook posts and even for that half-second it takes to click "Like," he was thinking about me. I miss the excitement and fluttery anticipation of feeling that way for someone who exists in the world, and I miss having what I now know was the erroneous belief that he might feel that way about me too.
For the past few years, I've been pretty blasé about love. I didn't believe it would make a difference if I opened my heart or not. I was so cynical and frustrated with guys who acted like selfish children that I didn't see the point in really putting myself out in the open, with all my emotions vulnerable for being crushed.
It hurt - and continues to hurt - like hell. Maybe worse than very long relationships that had drawn-out and ugly break-ups because I was just so unbelievably hopeful about him. For a while I regretted opening my heart because I thought that was why it hurt so much. Surely, if I kept coiled up and closed-off, no one could get inside enough to wreak this kind of havoc.
But for the few moments of exhilarating, profoundly lovely beauty that I felt to fully open up and love someone, recklessly, unabashedly, I'm glad I opened my heart. It would be a shame to have really met the One and been afraid to give it a shot.
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